Wednesday, January 28, 2009

What's the point?

Was going to post a goals update, but I can't be bothered to type it all right now. I can't be bothered to do much of anything, to be honest.

I'm so fucking tired. All I do is work. I go to my job for 40+ hours a week, and I try to get about 55 hours worth of work done in that amount of time. Work's been stressful, between all of the new responsibilities, and worrying about my job security. I still don't know if my job is in jeopardy. All of the bullshit going on about my vacation time has only made the stress worse.

And then I come home to hours of homework. I only have two classes but the workload is insane. I have ten papers (research needed) due on Monday. TEN. For one class. They're all supposed to be short, only about a page...but there are TEN OF THEM. Then for my other class I have four exams, each worth a quarter of my grade. The first, I have to take two or three days after the ten papers are due. If I want to have any hope of doing well, I need to know these tax laws inside and out...and that means reading the chapters at least three times, each. Plus doing dozens of pages of problems.

I don't know where I'm supposed to find the time to write ten research papers and learn about 150 pages of tax law in such a short period of time. I only have a few hours a night. I come home, work out, shower, get dinner, and then do schoolwork until it's time for bed. I can't really make any more time. I don't get enough sleep as it is. I could cut out the workouts for now, but they make me feel better and help with my stress, so that's a last resort.

As if that weren't bad enough...I'm only three weeks into the semester. The work is going to get progressively more difficult, and I still have twelve weeks to go. I honestly don't know how I'm going to survive like this until May.

I hate school right now. I would give just about anything to not do this to myself anymore. The only reason I'm even making myself is because they're my final two classes, and I've already had to put them off for so long. Though I don't even see the point in it. I probably won't be able to continue, so I've worked my ass off to get a two year degree. Which means...absolutely jack shit. It's worthless. Hell, my general manager's reaction when I told him I was finishing my associates' degree was, "Oh, you'll only have a two year degree? Well if you ever get through a regular degree we'll move you into the accounting department."

What the hell is the point in being miserable like this if that's the attitude I'm going to end up facing? Sadly, that's the majority of people too. I went to community college, and I'll have a two year degree, and that means nothing. It doesn't matter that I lost everything, had to drop out of school, got myself back in...had to drop out again for medical problems, and still somehow managed to work my way through this far. Oh's "only a two year degree." Normally I'm proud of myself for what I've done, but anymore I feel so fucking worthless.

Sorry for the rant, I'm just so damned tired and needed to vent...I'm sure I'll be over this in a few days. I promise there will be a real, non-whiny update soon.


Austin said...

It's OK, Denise. We all need to rant every now and again. It's easier than breaking down. :) *hugs*

Jadey said...

D it'll get easier <3
And everyone needs to vent, I just can't wait until Jan is over for you <3

Denise said...

Lol's not going to get easier, that's the problem. The workload gets a lot more difficult as the semester progresses. So I'm not really sure how it's going to work out.

Niall said...

Your manager is a fucktard that doesn't appreciate awesomeness :)

TBH, your manager is an ass for making you feel like shit. Kick his/her ass :D


Christian said...

As Niall said, next time your manager says something like that, tell him how much shit you've been through and that you don't appreciate his dismissive attitude. You've worked so hard to get where you are, and I'm proud of you ;)

Also, ranting is totally fine on your own blog :P